So, a cockroach fell on my head…

Yes, you read that correctly. A brown, crunchy demonic roach fell directly on my head. Allow me to set the scene:

It’s early spring. The first hints of summer float on the breeze as it blows past your face. The wind plays with the tendrils of your hair with the promising caress that winter is finally gone. You breathe in the warmth and walk back into your apartment after letting the dog out for the final bathroom break. High on the hopes of spring, you get ready for bed ready to dream of flowers and days filled with sunshine. You snuggle deep into your comforter, hit the pillow until it forms the perfect cradle for your head, and relax into the plush mattress. One hand sneaks out of the bed to flick the final light off and you close your eyes ready for the dreams of sun to overtake you. Then…

Thump.

You feel the weight of an unknown thing land directly on your head and then skitter towards the comforter. In a bold, rash move, your hand reaches up, captures the alien presence, and flings it across the dark bedroom. The other hand slaps the light switch a breath later, eyes focused in the direction where it landed. There on the carpet is the demon standing obstinate and stoic staring at you, twitching its antennae like a gunslinger’s finger ready to pull out his revolver in a quick draw. Who’s going to move first?

So, yeah. A roach fell on my head and I was caught up in an Old West showdown. Not taking my eyes off the bug, I backed up towards the hall and reached for the closet where the cleaning supplies lived. The only thought in my mind was to reach the only tool that would let me win.

If I could just get the vacuum, this will be an easy victory.

My fingers brushed the handle and I tugged. Nothing.

No, no, no.

I knew the head was caught on the accordion door of the closet and had to be yanked free.

C’mon. Just get out of the closet.

I pulled harder and the vacuum remained stuck. I knew that I’d have to take my eyes off the bug to unhook the head.

All right, Skylar. You can do this.

With one deep breath, I counted down to myself.

Three…

The roach and I stared each other down knowing we’d reached the climax.

Two…

I took one slow step backwards and tightened my grip on the handle.

One…

The roach’s antennae stopped moving.

Go!

I turned my back, twisted the vacuum out of the closet, and flipped back to the bedroom.

Nothing.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I had a loose roach in my room and no idea where it went. In one deft move, I plugged in the vacuum, unclipped the handle so I had an extra three feet to reach with the hose, and went hunting.

Where are you, you little demon?

With the sucking power of a Shark in one hand and a cellphone flashlight in the other, I stepped lightly across the carpet looking for the brown reprobate. Peering under the bed, I found only storage boxes. I tried the nightstand next and still nothing. After a third negative from under the dresser, a dark shadow emerged from the corner room behind the bookcase and I lunged with the vacuum cutting off the roach’s route to the closet. One second, the bug was on the carpet running for dear life and, in the next, the little devil was swirling in the Shark’s vortex.

In a practiced movement, I turned off the vacuum, unhooked the dust bin, and emptied it in the trash. I tied off the bag and took it straight to the dumpster behind my building. The demon, though now a corpse, would not be staying the night in the apartment.

Keyed up and unable to regain the high of promised spring, I spent the next two hours moving furniture to ensure my bed was no longer against the window where I deduced the roach had emanated from. After the impromptu feng shui session, I crawled back in bed with the nightmares of what spring also brings creeping in my head.

So, yeah. A cockroach fell on my head and I am forever scarred.