The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Date

Hey! Any plans for tonight? Devin’s text read.

I shot back: None at the moment. Why, what’s up?

Would you want to go to a play with me at 7:00? You’ll be off by then, yeah?

I thought it over, shrugged, and muttered to myself, “Eh, why not?”

Yeah, that sounds fun! I’ll see you then!

The first time I went on a date was during my junior year of college. I wasn’t much interested in dating during high school and no guys in college showed any interest towards me until Devin. Devin started attending our church and was good friends with Nate, Ashley’s soon-to-be boyfriend, and, therefore, was thrust into our friend group. He became a consistent figure on Sunday nights sitting somewhere close by through dinners and hangouts. Within a very short period of time, he began inserting himself into whatever conversation I was in and trying to turn my attention towards him.

Now, I am the first person in the world to tell you I am oblivious to obvious signs of interest. Once, I completely brushed off a waiter who was singling me out in our friend group to flirt with and and at one point literally pulled up a chair next to me to continue our conversation. I thought he was being nice. My friends, however, were laughing at how I was flirting back and didn’t even realize that and missed the opportunity of Olive Garden Alex.

Devin’s flirting, however, was so painfully obvious that even I, Miss Can’t See Signals Two Inches From Her Face, could see it. So, when he texted me one Friday asking if I’d want to go to a play with him, I knew the reasoning behind it even if he didn’t explicitly say date.

I knew it was not going to be the glamorous first date that I’d always dreamed of when he texted me his address because this twenty-year-old man did not have a driver’s license. I respect if someone doesn’t have the means to or has a fear of driving. Neither of these were the case; he was just lazy and only had his permit after putting it off for years. Alas, I powered through and pulled up to his place where he met me in his driveway and directed us to the theater where the production was being put on.

We pulled into a middle school parking lot.

To see a production of Cinderella that his eleven-year-old second cousin was in.

What. The. Hell. Seriously, dude?

Not even ten minutes into this “date” and I am already regretting my decision. But I power through because surely it cannot get any more uncomfortable and weird, right?

Nope. Once again, I was wrong.

The play dragged on but came to a much prayed for end. We were exiting when he pulled me out of the queue of people towards his cousin’s family and introduced me as a “special” friend, to which I cannot confirm, but I swear he winked at the dad. A smile was plastered on my face but inside I was curling into the fetal position cringing away from this embarrassment. After what felt like a decade, he waved goodbye and I led us back to the freedom of my car.

Devin grabbed the door handle and lowered himself into the passenger seat and turned to me as I sank behind the wheel, “Do you want to go get dinner?”

Despite my irritation, I chuckled. “Yeah, that sounds great. I’m actually starving.”

“Does Steak & Shake sound good?”

“Sure.”

We arrived at the restaurant and are seated in the vinyl booth when this boy had the nerve to say, “You know, I’m not really hungry but you go ahead and order what you like. I’ll wait.” All with a big, stupid grin on his face.

“Okay,” was the only word that made it through the speechless dam in my mind as I tried to comprehend his utter stupidity.

I ate in silence, paid for my dinner, and grabbed my keys signaling that it was time to go. Not getting the hint once again, he asked if I wanted to do anything else. This was the opportunity I needed to drop his butt at home and go shower off the ickiness of this date. But I am a horrible people pleaser and said sure. His face lit up and he suggested the wonderful idea of walking around the mall and looking at shops.

At this point in the evening, it was thirty minutes until ten o’clock and the town shut down then. We had at most a half-hour to discover the wonders of the mall, so I could survive for that long.

We drove to the mall and entered next to the movie theater. With the exception of the cinema, the entire place was a ghost town because the stores all shut down at nine and no one was in line waiting to purchase tickets for the late showings of movies. Being the only two in the main area, it finally dawned on him that we couldn’t complete his great idea so he led us over to a bench to sit together for a bit.

He turned to me and asked, “Are you having a fun time?”

I almost let the dam loose of how awkward this evening was and how annoyed I had been the last two hours, but the earnest gleam of hope in his eyes dampened that flow by a few degrees. It wasn’t enough to salvage the night, though, so I let some of the irritation pour out on him.

“Yeah, this was an interesting first date.”

The panic in his eyes was immediate and satisfying.

See, he never clarified to me that this was a date. I knew it was because he had made it very clear the last month how much he liked me without telling me directly. He thought I had no idea and was using this “hangout” to be his first date without cluing me in. With that single word, I let him know I knew what he was doing and it was not successful. I spent the whole evening in varying states of uncomfortableness, so throwing it back at him satiated some of my bitterness.

After a silent drive to drop him off, I spent the rest of my drive home laughing at the idiotic irony of the evening. I’d never been on a date in high school but that night was the epitome of a high school date. I now knew I wasn’t missing much.